It was early 2004 and the Bush reelection campaign was understandably shaken by the realization that they were not going to be running against the latte drinking, Volvo driving, gay civil unions, peace nik Howard Dean.
Instead they found themselves up against a man who had volunteered for the Viet Nam war, a comparison that put George W. Bush's National Guard service and decades of falling down, pissing on himself drunkenness in an unfavorable light.
Shallow Throat
Shallow Throat: Even before we knew who the democrat candidate was going to be, we knew we were going to have major problems, because let's face it, what we had to work with was a turd. I mean spin was not the word for what it would take to dress this one up and make it presentable. But Rove was on our asses to produce. Then Kerry clinched the nomination. I thought Rove was going to burst an artery. He called and started screaming about Plan B. Rove said "go after Kerry's strengths." Only problem was Nixon had already tried. I was about to tell Rove to go Cheney himself, but I have no desire to end up at Gitmo, if you know what I mean. Then Roy Hoffman surfaced. He had just read the book about Kerry's Viet Nam service and let's just say being outed as a blood thirsty civilian killer didn't set too well.
Shallow Throat: Nixon had tapped John O'Neill to go after Kerry back in '71. Nixon was not about to admit to what a fiasco that whole commie eradication program we called the Viet Nam War had become. Kerry had punked O'Neill on The Dick Cavett Show debate, and O'Neill was still spoiling for a fight. Plus the GOP takes care of it's attack dogs and let's just say O'Neill owed us big time.
Shallow Throat: Even though Swift Boat Liars to Smear Kerry were having an effect, we still had major problems in several swing states, what with all the new voters being registered. Jeb and Cruella Harris had pulled a fast one in 2000 with their highly inaccurate felon list. Problem was too many nosy newspapers had been sniffing around trying to see if Jeb and his new Secretary of State/Chairwoman of the Bush/Cheney campiagn in Florida, Glenda Hood had a new not very accurate felon list for 2004. Those nosy newspapers discovered there were no Cubans and a lot of eligible African American voters on the new and improved felon list the state was forced to scrap it.
Shallow Throat: We had the church going hicks in our pocket, but Rove always wants more, and the economy was stinking like yesterday's fish. We came up with a bible banning mailing to divert attention from the pocketbook issues that the RNC sent to all those inbred high school drop outs in West Virginia and Arkansas.
Shallow Throat: Internal numbers showed Bush tanking in Oregon, Nevada, West Virginia and Ohio. Luckily the RNC had hired Nathan Sproul to focus on voter registration in several key states. Unfortunately a majority of newly registered voters intended to vote for Kerry. We knew Nathan was resourceful, very well paid and would know what to do, if you know what I mean.
Shallow Throat: Fortunately the ultimate Plan B was in place. Thank God the companies that count votes are all owned by republicans.
Shallow Throat: We were down to the wire and Ohio was do or die. We had Uncle Tom Whitewell so far up our asses his saliva was drenching my underware. But you gotta do what you gotta do. The problem with minority voter suppression is you can't get hard numbers. It's all good but it's all guess work. And we needed to win Ohio and Florida or Bush was a first term loser just like his daddy. And if there is one goal W has in life it is to do at least one thing better than his father.
Shallow Throat: Election day was looking really bad for the idiot in chief. We had major suppression efforts in Ohio and Florida with our poll challengers but Kerry was still ahead in the exit polls. Luckily we had listened to Rove and O'Dell when they told us how important computers would be. Our hackers took out the National Election Poll servers around 11:00 p.m, by the time the NEP could get them back online the exit poll numbers had been contaminated with the bogus tabulation results. The hayseeds in Warren County, Ohio fell for the terror alert bullshit and we were able to manipulate those late results, guaranteeing a margin that the Kerry camp would believe to be insurmountable, and most important of all sufficient to avoid a recount. Nixon would have been proud.
Shallow Throat:
My mother used to tell me that lieing, cheating and stealing would get me no where. But then what did my mother know, she was a democrat.
Fraud: n. the intentional use of deceit, a trick or some dishonest means to deprive another of his/her/its money, property or a legal right.2
Constructive fraud: n.when the circumstances show that someone's actions give him/her an unfair advantage over another by unfair means ... the court may decide from the methods used and the result that it should treat the situation as if there was actual fraud even if all the technical elements of fraud have not been proven.3
Here's the proof.
Click press to start to play the Flash movie "Loser version 2.0" Download the MP3
